Blackadder Meets HP2: Corporal Punishment
by Juniper Baggant
Summary: Captain Malfoy is back and facing a fate worse then death. Can he survive when he's surrounded by people thicker then the big print version of 'Hogwarts, a History? Starring Bitter!Draco


Blackadder Meets HP2: Corporal Punishment

DISCLAIMER: Based on the HP books by J.K. Rowling and the 'Corporal Punishment' episode from Blackadder Goes Forth. No money is being made and no copyrights are being infringed.

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Scene 1: Draco Malfoy's Dugout

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Captain Draco Malfoy: (Speaking into the floo.) You'd like to book a table for three by the window for 9:30 PM, not too near the band, in the name of Obel Fungentula. Yes, yes, I think you might have the wrong floo. Alright. (Stands up; Lt. Vincent Crabbe enters.)

Crabbe: Rather close line there, eh, Sir? That floo system is a shambles, no wonder we haven't had any orders!

Malfoy: Oh, on the contrary, Crabbe, we've had plenty of orders. We've had orders for six meters of Hungarian crushed velvet curtain material, four rock salmon and a ha'sickle of chips, and a carriage for a Mr. Redgrave picking up from 14 Arnost Grove.

Crabbe: We don't want those sorts of orders; we want orders to Deck Old Glory. When are we going to give Voldie a taste of our Hogwart's spunk?

Malfoy: Crabbe, please. No one is more anxious to advance than I am, but until I get these communication problems sorted out, I'm afraid we're stuck.

(Captain Percy Weasley's head appears in the fire but it keeps fading in and out.)

Weasley: Hello? Hello... Captain Malfoy...Hello?

Malfoy: What is it Weasley? You're not coming in very well.

Weasley: I said, there's a terrible line at my end... You are to advance on the enemy at once. (Floo disconnects.)

Crabbe: I say, come on, Sir, I couldn't hear what he said, what's the message? I'm on tenterhooks, do tell!

Malfoy: Ah, well, as far as I can tell, the message was, "He's got a terrible lion up his end, so there's an advantage to an enema at once."

Crabbe: Damn!

(Enter Private Gregory Goyle.)

Goyle: Message from HQ, Sir.

Crabbe: Ah, now, this should be it. A letter ordering an advance!

Malfoy: Ummm, yes, I'm afraid not, Crabbe, it is a letter, it is ordering an advance, but it seems to be addressed to 'Catpain Malfot'. Do you know a 'Catpain Malfot', Crabbe?

Crabbe: Well, it rings a bell, but I...

Malfoy: Nope, me neither. (Throws message away.)

Crabbe: Oh, well.

Malfoy: Don't worry, Crabbe, I'm sure if they want to contact us, they'll find a way.

Goyle: Speaking, Sir, speaking, there's an owl in our trench!

Crabbe: Ah, now, this'll be it! (Looks outside.) Yes, it's one of the Minister's carrier owls.

(All go outside.)

Scene 2: The Trenches

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Goyle: No, it isn't, that owl couldn't carry the Minister! Hasn't got a tray or anything.

Malfoy: Crabbe, wand, please.

Crabbe: Oh now, Sir, you really shouldn't do this you know!

Malfoy: Come on, Crabbe, with 50,000 men getting killed a week who's going to miss an owl? (_Avada Kedavras_ the owl.)

Crabbe: Well, not you, obviously, Sir.

Malfoy: In any case, it's scarcely a court martial offence. Get plucking, Goyle.

Goyle: Alright, Sir. Look, it's got a message. Read it out, Sir.

Crabbe: It's a bit charred. Something something at once...P.S., due to communication crisis, the killing of carrier owls is now a court-martial offence. (Casts a worried look at Malfoy.)

Malfoy: That's deadly serious, we're in trouble. So, I shall eat the evidence for lunch and if anyone asks you any questions at all, we didn't receive any messages and we definitely did not kill this plump-breasted owl.

Scene 3: Draco Malfoy's Dugout

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(The remains of the owl are in front of Malfoy.)

Malfoy: Mmm...delicious.

(Enter General Cornelius Fudge and Weasley.)

Weasley: Attention!

(Malfoy stands and salutes.)

Fudge: Why, Captain, are you not advancing across No Man's Land?

Malfoy: Well, Sir, call me a bluffo traditionalist, but I was always taught to wait for the order to attack before attacking.

Fudge: Are you trying to tell me you haven't received any orders? What the hell are you playing at, Weasley?

Weasley: That's a flagrant lie, Sir. I spoke to Malfoy less than an hour ago.

Malfoy: Yes, you did. To tell me some gobbledygook about having a lion up your bottom.

Fudge: As I thought, it's the old communications problem again. Stand easy. Action on this is imperative. Take that down, Weasley.

Weasley: Yes, Sir.

Fudge: Also, write down "gobbledygook". I like that word; I want to use it more often in conversation.

Weasley: I must say, Sir; I find this all very unlikely. Not only did I floo Malfoy, but also as you'll recall, we sent him a hand-delivered letter and an owl.

Malfoy: Did you?

Weasley: Are you telling us you haven't had an owl, Malfoy?

Fudge: You must have! I sent the best owl we have, Speckled Jim, my only true love that has been with me since I was a nipper! Weasley, send out a search party to find him. He may be lost or wounded! And Malfoy, I'm giving you your order to advance now. Synchronize watches gentlemen. (Goyle enters.) Private, what is the time?

Goyle: We didn't receive any messages and Captain Malfoy definitely did not kill the delicious plump- breasted owl, Sir.

Fudge: WHAT?

Malfoy: You want to be cremated, Goyle, or buried at sea?

Goyle: (Thinking it over.) Umm...

(Crabbe enters.)

Weasley: Lieutenant?

Crabbe: Sir.

Weasley: Do you mind answering a couple of questions?

Crabbe: Not at all, Sir. We didn't get any messages and Captain Malfoy definitely did not kill this delicious plump-breasted owl.

Malfoy: (Disgusted.) Oh, Merlin!

Weasley: And look, Sir, owl feathers. White feathers, very apt, eh, Malfoy?

Fudge: White feathers?

Goyle: Oh no, Sir, they're not white; they're sort of speckly!

Fudge: Speckly! (Picks up a feather.) AAHHHHHHHH! YOU KILLED MY SPECKLED JIM?

Weasley: You're for it now, Malfoy. Quite frankly, Sir, I've suspected this for some time. Quite clearly, Captain Malfoy has been disobeying orders with a breathtaking impertinence.

Fudge: I don't care if he's been rodgering Voldemort with a prize-winning leek! He killed my owl! (Moves to attack Malfoy.)

Weasley: (Restraining Fudge.) Take it easy. I think we should do this by the book, Sir.

Fudge: Yes, yes, you're right, of course. I'm sorry. Attention!

Weasley: Captain Malfoy, as of this moment you may consider yourself under arrest. You know what the penalty is for disobeying orders, Malfoy?

Malfoy: Umm...court-martial, followed by immediate cessation of chocolate frog rations?

Weasley: No, court-martial followed by a Dementor's Kiss

Malfoy: Oh, so I got it half right.

Scene 3: Prison Cell

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Private Neville Longbottom (Malfoy's guard.): Sadder than a happy hour then, Sir? Wave all our last goodbyes.

Malfoy: Oh, no need for that, Longbottom, I've just dashed off a couple of notes, one asking for a sponge bag, and the other sending for my lawyer.

Longbottom: Oh, your lawyer, now, yes, Sir. Don't you think that might be a bit of a waste of money, Sir.

Malfoy: Not when she's the finest mind in English legal history, Muggle or Wizarding. Remember Hermione Granger?

Longbottom: Oh, yes indeed, Sir! A most gifted lady!

Malfoy: I remember Granger's most famous case, the case of the bloody knife. A man was found next to a murdered body, he had the knife in his hand, thirteen witnesses had seen him stab the victim, and when the Magical Law Enforcement arrived he said, "I'm glad I killed the bastard." Granger not only got him off, but she got him knighted in the New Year's Honors list, and the relatives of the victim had to pay to have the blood washed out of his jacket.

Longbottom: Didn't you two have the most awful rivalry back in school?

Malfoy: Yes, well, when a man's life is at stake sacrifices must be made. Especially if it's my life.

(Goyle enters.)

Malfoy: Ah, Goyle. Anything from Granger yet?

Goyle: Yes, Sir. It just arrived, Sir.

Malfoy: What is it?

Goyle: Sponge bag, Sir.

Malfoy: A sponge bag...Goyle, I gave you two notes. You sent the note asking for a sponge bag to the finest mind in English legal history.

Goyle: Certainly did, Sir!

Malfoy: And you sent the note requesting legal representation to...

(Crabbe enters.)

Crabbe: Well, tally-ho, with a bing and a bong and a buzz-buzz-buzz!

Malfoy: (Disgusted.) Oh, Merlin!

Crabbe: I'll tell you, apart from all, Sir, that I am deeply, deeply honored.

Malfoy: Goyle, I'll deal with you later. (To Crabbe.) Am I to understand that you are going to represent me at the court-martial?

Crabbe: Absolutely, Sir. Well, it's a sort of family tradition, really. My uncle's a lawyer, you know.

Malfoy: Your uncle's a lawyer, but you're not.

Crabbe: Oh, good gods, no. I'm an absolute duffer at this sort of thing. In school I was voted the boy least likely to complete a coherent...um...

Malfoy: Sentence. Yes, I remember.

Crabbe: Yes, anyway, my dear old friend, it's an honor to serve.

Malfoy: Crabbe, I'm in trouble here. I need to construct an argument that's as watertight as a mermaid's brassiere. I'm not sure your particular brand of mindless optimism is going to contribute much to the proceedings.

Crabbe: Well, that's a shame, Sir, because I was planning on playing the mindless optimism card very strongly.

Malfoy: I beg your pardon?

Crabbe: Yes, I've already planned my closing address based on that very thing. (Pulls out piece of paper.) Oh, go on; let him off, your honor, please! It's a lovely day. Pretty clouds, trees, birds, etc. I rest my case.

Malfoy: So, council, with that summing up in mind, what do you think my chances are?

Crabbe: Well, not all that good I'm afraid, as far as I can tell you're as guilty as a puppy sitting next to a pile of poo.

Malfoy: Ah.

Scene 4: Courtroom

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(Malfoy is seated behind a table, two tables are also set up for the prosecution and the judges.)

Crabbe: (Walking in.) Crikey! So sorry I'm late, but anyway, (Goes up to man seated at the front.) let me open up my defense straight away, by saying that I've known this man my whole life, he's an absolutely smashing chap…

Malfoy: Crabbe?

Crabbe: Yes, Sir?

Malfoy: That's the clerk of the court.

Crabbe: Is it? Oh!

Malfoy: We haven't started yet.

(Enter Weasley.)

Weasley: Good luck, Malfoy.

Malfoy: Well, thank you, Weasley. And what's your big job here today? Straightening chairs?

Weasley: No, in fact I'm appearing for the prosecution. I wouldn't raise your hopes too much, you're guilty as hell, and you haven't got a chance.

Malfoy: Why thank you, Weasley. And I hope your mother dies in a freak hippogriff accident.

Weasley: Just doing my job, Malfoy. Obeying orders, and of course, having enormous fun in the bargain.

Malfoy: I wouldn't be too confident if I were you, any reasonably impartial judge is bound to let me off.

Weasley: Well, absolutely.

Malfoy: Who is the judge, by the way?

Fudge: (Entering.) Baaahhhh!

Malfoy: I'm dead.

Fudge: Well, come on, then. Come on. Get this over in five minutes, and then we can have a spot of lunch. The court is now in session, General Cornelius Fudge in the chair. The case before us is that of the Ministry vs. Captain Draco Malfoy, the owl murderer! Oh, uh, hand me the black cap, I'll be needing that.

Malfoy: I love a fair trial.

Fudge: Anything to say before we kick off, Captain Weasley?

Weasley: May it please the court, as this is clearly an open and shut case, I beg leave to bring a private prosecution against the defense council for wasting the court's time.

Fudge: Granted. Council, he is fined fifty galleons for turning up.

Crabbe: Oh, I say! This is fun! This is just like a real court!

Fudge: Alright! Let the trial begin! The charges before us are that the owl murderer did deliberately, callously, and with beastliness of forethought murder a lovely, innocent owl. Oh, and disobeyed some orders as well. Is this true?

Crabbe: Perfectly true, Sir. I was there.

Malfoy: Thanks, Crabbe.

Crabbe: Oh, dammit.

Fudge: Right. Council for the defense, get on with it.

Crabbe: Oh, right, yes, right. Um, yes. I'd like to call my first witness Captain Weasley.

Fudge: You wish to call the council for the prosecution as a defense witness?

Crabbe: That's right. (To Malfoy.) Don't worry, Sir, I've got it all under control. (To Weasley.) You are Captain Weasley of the general staff?

Weasley: I am.

Crabbe: Captain, leaving aside the incident in question, would you think of Captain Malfoy as the sort of man that would usually ignore orders?

Weasley: Yes, I would.

Crabbe: Ah, um. You sure? I was rather banking on you saying no.

Weasley: I'm sure. In fact, I have a list of other orders he's disobeyed, if it would be useful? (Fudge nods.) November 16th, 9:15am, 10:23am, 10:24am, 11:17am...

Crabbe: You missed one out, there.

Weasley: ...10:30am, 11:46am...

Malfoy: Crabbe!

Crabbe: What? Oh, oh ye-ye-right, yes. Thank you, Captain. No further questions.

Malfoy: Well done, Crabbe. You really had him on the ropes.

Crabbe: Don't worry, old man. I have a last and I think you'll find decisive witness. Calling Private Goyle to the stand.

Malfoy: (To Goyle.) Deny everything, Goyle. (Goyle nods and heads to the witness stand.)

Crabbe: Are you Private Goyle?

Goyle: NO!

Crabbe: Um, but you are Captain Malfoy's aide?

Goyle: NO!

Crabbe: Come on, Goyle. Be a bit more helpful, it's me!

Goyle: No it isn't!

Weasley: Sir, I must protest!

Fudge: Quite right! We don't need your kind here, Private. Get out. Defense, sum up, please.

Crabbe: Oh, right, yes, uhhhh, oh...(Malfoy slides him a piece of paper he's written on.) Uh, gentlemen, you have heard all the evidence presented here today, but in the end it is up to the conscience of your hearts to decide, and I firmly believe, that like me, you will conclude that Captain Malfoy is in fact, totally and utterly, GUILTY (Sits down, Malfoy turns the paper over and Crabbe jumps back up)...of nothing more than trying to do his duty under difficult circumstances.

Fudge: Nonsense! He's a hound and a rotter, and he's going to have his soul sucked out! However, before we proceed to the formality of sentencing the deceased, I mean the defendant, (Laughs.) I think we'd all rather enjoy the case of the prosecution. Captain Weasley, if you please.

Weasley: Sir, my case is very simple. I call my first witness, General Cornelius Fudge.

(Fudge goes up to the stand.)

Weasley: General, did you own a lovely, plump, speckly owl called Speckled Jim, which you'd hand-reared from a chick and which was your only childhood friend?

Fudge: (Hysterically.) YES! (Calmer.) Yes, I did.

Weasley: And did Captain Malfoy kill the aforementioned owl?

Fudge: Yes, he did!

Weasley: (Shouting.) Can you see Captain Malfoy anywhere in this courtroom?

Fudge: (Hysterically, pointing his finger at Malfoy.) YES, THAT'S HIM! THAT'S THE MAN! AAHHHHH! AAAAHHHHHH!

Weasley: No more questions, Sir.

Fudge: Very good, excellent, first class. I therefore have absolutely no hesitation in announcing that the sentence of this court is: that you Captain Draco Malfoy be taken from this place and be given a Dementor's Kiss tomorrow at dawn. (Bangs gavel.) Do you have anything to say?

Malfoy: Yes, can I have an alarm call, please?

Scene 5: Prison Cell

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Longbottom: Someone to see the Captain.

Malfoy: What does he look like?

Longbottom: Big, ugly...

Malfoy: Hello, Goyle.

Goyle: I brought you some food, Sir, for your final breakfast tomorrow.

Malfoy: Ah, so you're not pinning much hope on a last minute reprieve then.

Goyle: No, Sir, you are as dead as some doo-doos.

Malfoy: The expression, Goyle, is 'as a do-do'. 'Dead as a do-do'.

Longbottom: Well, I'll leave you to it then, shall I? (Leaves.)

Goyle: Do not despair, Sir. All my talk of food was just a dead herring. In fact, I have a cunning plan. This is not food, but an escape kit.

Malfoy: Excellent! With a saw, a hammer, a chisel, a wand, a change of clothes, a Swiss passport, and a huge false moustache, I may just stand a chance.

Goyle: Um...

Malfoy: Let's see, what have we here? A small painted wooden duck.

Goyle: Yeah, I thought if you get caught near water, you can balance it on the top of your head as a brilliant disguise.

Malfoy: Yes, I would, of course, have to escape first. Ah, but what's this, unless I'm much mistaken, a hammer and a chisel?

Goyle: You are much mistaken!

Malfoy: A quill and a miniature trumpet.

Goyle: Yes, a quill so you can drop me a letter to tell me how the break out went and a miniature trumpet in case during your escape, you have to win favor with a difficult child.

Malfoy: Goyle, I don't want to spend my last precious hours rummaging through this feeble collection of stocking-fillers. Now let me ask you some simple questions: is there a saw in this bag?

Goyle: No.

Malfoy: A hammer?

Goyle: No.

Malfoy: A chisel?

Goyle: No.

Malfoy: A wand?

Goyle: No.

Malfoy: A false passport?

Goyle: (Thinks.) No.

Malfoy: A change of clothes?

Goyle: Yes, Sir, of course, I wouldn't forget a change of clothes.

Malfoy: Ah, now that's something, let's see...a Robin Hood costume.

Goyle: I put in a Muggle outfit first, but then I thought 'What if you arrive in a Muggle village and they're in the middle of a fancy dress party?'

Malfoy: And what if I arrive in a Muggle village, dressed in a Robin Hood costume and there isn't a fancy dress party?

Goyle: Well, to be quite frank, Sir, I didn't consider that eventuality, because if you did, you'd stick out like a...

Malfoy: (Interrupting.) Like a man standing in a lake with a small painted wooden duck on his head?

Goyle: Exactly!

(Longbottom enters.)

Longbottom: Excuse me, Sir.

Malfoy: Alright. Ah, thank you, Goyle; we'll finish this picnic later.

Goyle: (Rather loudly.) YUM YUM! (Exits.)

Longbottom: Do you mind if I disturb you for a moment, Sir?

Malfoy: No, no, not at all. My diary's pretty empty this week. Let's see, Thursday morning, get soul sucked out, yes, that's about it, actually.

Longbottom: It's just there's a few chaps out here who would like a bit of a chinwag.

Malfoy: Oh, lovely. Always keen to meet new people.

Longbottom: Corporal Thomas and Privates Finnegan, Creevey, and Creevey.

All: Hello

Malfoy: Oh, nice of you to drop by. And what do you do?

Thomas: We're your escorts and witnesses to the Dementor's Kiss, Sir.

Malfoy: Of course you are.

Creevey1: Good sized mouth.

Thomas: Shut up, lad.

Creevey1: Sir!

Thomas: You see, we escorts are a bit like taxmen, Sir, everyone hates us, but we're just doin' our job, aren't we, Sir?

Malfoy: (Sarcastically.) My soul aches for you.

Thomas: (Chuckles.) Well, Sir, we try. You see, Sir, we take pride in the service we supply. So, is there any particular way you'd like it done, hmm? We can do it any way you want.

Malfoy: Well, in that case, doing it to someone else might be good.

Thomas: (Laughs.) You see, a laugh and a smile, and all of a sudden the job doesn't seem quite so bad after all, does it, Sir?

Creevey2: No, and a lovely jaw.

Finnegan: A good pair of shoulders to hold onto as well.

Malfoy: Look, I'm sorry, I know you mean to be friendly, but I hope you won't take it amiss if I ask you to sod off and die! (Squad looks shocked and start to grumble.)

Thomas: (Calming his men.)No, no, no, no, no, no, no, fair enough, 'course not, Sir. No one likes being soul sucked first thing in the morning, do they? (Squad shrug and nod.) No, no, no, So, look forward to seeing you tomorrow, Sir.

(Squad leaves.)

Malfoy: Perfect! I wonder if anything on earth could depress me more.

(Enter Goyle.)

Goyle: Excuse me, Sir?

Malfoy: Of course it could.

Goyle: I forgot to give you this letter from Lieutenant Crabbe, Sir.

Malfoy: (Sarcastically.) Oh, joy! What wise words from the world's greatest defense counsel? (Reads letter.) 'Dear Mother,' unusual start, (Continues.) 'Thanks for the case of Firewhiskey.' You've excelled yourself, Goyle. You've brought the wrong letter again!

Goyle: Oh yeah, he did write two.

Malfoy: Yes, his mother's about to get a note, telling her he's sorry she's going to be getting her soul sucked out in the morning while I have to read this drivel. (Reads further.) 'Celia thrives in the Pony Club trials and little Freddy scores as one of Britain's best Beaters'. (Aside.) You can't deny, it's a riveting read...um, 'Send my love to Uncle Rupert, who'd have thought it, Mad Uncle Rupert, Minister of Magic after redeeming himself through charity work; power of life or death over every bally soldier in the Ministry Army. Hang on a minute...this is it! All Crabbe has to do is send him a letter and he'll get me off. (In a happy tone.) Goyle, I love you! I want to kiss your cherry lips and nibble your shell-like ears. I'm free!

(Goyle closes his eyes and purses his lips.)

Scene 6: Draco Malfoy's Dugout

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(Crabbe is moping.)

Crabbe: I'm useless, useless!

(Goyle enters.)

Goyle: Sir, Sir!

Crabbe: Hello, Private, how's the Captain?

Goyle: He's absolutely fine, Sir, but...

Crabbe: You're just trying to cheer me up. I know the truth. He hates me because I completely arsed up his defense.

Goyle: Yes, I know, Sir, but...

Crabbe: I'm thick, you see. I'm as thick as the big-print version of Hogwarts: A History. If only I could've saved him. If only!

Goyle: But you can, Sir.

Crabbe: What, how?

Goyle: You send a letter.

Crabbe: Of course! I send a letter.

Goyle: Yeah!

Crabbe: Who to?

Goyle: To the person in the letter.

Crabbe: What letter?

Goyle: To your mother.

Crabbe: I send a letter to my mother!

Goyle: No!

Crabbe: No!

Goyle: You send a letter to the person in the letter to your mother.

Crabbe: Who was in the letter to my mother?

Goyle: I can't remember!

Crabbe: Well, think, think!

Goyle: No, you think, think!

Crabbe: Well, I ah...Of course, the Pony Club Trials. Yes! Celia can leap over the prison walls and save him.

Goyle: No, no!

Crabbe: No, no, ah. Yes, Quidditch. (Grabs a Quidditch bat.) Yes, I've got Cousin Freddie, of course. He can knock out the Dementor with his bat!

Goyle: No, there's someone else!

Crabbe: (Excited.) Oh, well, who?

Goyle: I don't know.

Crabbe: Well, neither do I!

Goyle: Well, think!

Crabbe: You think!

(Both continue arguing, then Goyle hits Crabbe with the bat.)

Crabbe: No, it hasn't helped.

Goyle: Yes it has, Sir. Your Uncle Rupert who's just been made Minister of Magic.

Crabbe: Of course, Uncle Rupert! I'll, I'll send him a letter and he'll, he'll pull strings and scratch backs and fiddle with knobs, and...

Goyle: HURRAY!

Crabbe: Well, I got there in the end, eh, Goyle?

Goyle: Oh, just about, Sir.

Crabbe: Ah, I think this calls for a celebration, don't you? What about a toss of Ogden's Old Firewhiskey, which Mum has just sent over? Drink a toast to Captain Malfoy and freedom!

Goyle: Captain Malfoy and Freedom, Sir.

Scene 7: Hall Outside the Dementor's Chambers

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Malfoy: (Cheerfully.) 'Morning.

Escort Squad: 'Morning.

Longbottom: I must say, Captain, I've got to admire your balls.

Malfoy: Perhaps later. (To Escort Squad.) How are you doing?

Escort Squad: Very well, good.

Malfoy: Thomas, good to see you.

Thomas: Good to see you, too, Sir.

Malfoy: So the floo's connected, is it Longbottom?

Longbottom: Oh, yes, Sir.

Malfoy: So, where do you want me?

Thomas: Well, in the room with the Dementor is traditional, Sir.

Malfoy: Course it is. No messengers waiting, Longbottom?

Longbottom: Oh, I'm afraid not, Sir. Oh well.

Thomas: All right, lads, open up the door.

Malfoy: Yes, uh...now look, I think there might have been a bit of a misunderstanding, you see. I was expecting a letter or a call. Quite an important one, actually.

Longbottom: Stop!

Malfoy: I think that's what they call 'the nick of time'.

Longbottom: Letter for the Captain.

Malfoy: Of course it is. Read it please.

Longbottom: Eh, 'May your soul take flight. Love from all the boys in the Escort Squad.'

Thomas: You soft bastards, you!

Finnegan: I saw it in a store, I couldn't resist it.

Malfoy: (Sarcastically.) How thoughtful!

Thomas: All right, open the door.

Malfoy: Now look, ah, something has gone spectacularly badly wrong.

Thomas: Get ready to shove him in.

Malfoy: Goyle, you're mincemeat!

Scene 7: Draco Malfoy's Dugout

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Crabbe: (Awaking.) Oh, my head, my head! Feels like the time I was initiated into the Silly Buggers Society at Hogwarts. I misheard the rules and pushed a whole cucumber into my ear hole.

Goyle: (Pulling himself up from under the table.) Permission to die, Sir.

Crabbe: Oh! What started this drinking? Oh, yes, well, we were celebrating getting Captain Malfoy off scot...(Realizes it's too late.) free. Oh my sainted trousers, we forgot!

Goyle: Oh whoops.

Crabbe: Oh no. He's gotten his soul sucked out, you see. He's as good as dead because we're a pair of selfish so and so's...(Despairingly.) If I had a rope, I'd put it around my neck and bally well hang myself until it really hurt.

(Malfoy enters. Crabbe and Goyle's mouths open in shock.)

Malfoy: Hi, Crabbe, 'morning, Goyle. Still the striking resemblance to guppy fish at feeding time. Yep, it arrived in the nick of time.

Crabbe: Oh, excellent!

Malfoy: Ah, so you've got the Firewhiskey out, have you?

Crabbe: Oh, well, well, of course, Sir, yes. We wanted to lay on a bit of a bash for your safe return, ah...here you go. (Gives Malfoy a drink and laughs nervously.)

Malfoy: (Malfoy looks at Crabbe suspiciously.) There was a second letter that arrived, Crabbe, addressed personally to you by your Uncle.

Crabbe: Oh, thank you, I...(Tries to get letter from Malfoy, who opens and reads it.)

Malfoy: (Reads.) 'Crabbe, my boy, Outraged to read in dispatches how that ass Fudge made such a pig's-ear out of your chum Malfoy's court-martial. Have reversed the decision forthwith. Surprised you didn't ask me to do it yourself, actually.' Now this is interesting, isn't it?

Crabbe: Uh, uh, yes, well, I, you see, Sir. Uh...the thing is...

Malfoy: You two got whammed last night, didn't you?

Crabbe: We--well, well, no, uh, uh. Not whammed exactly. A little tiddly, perhaps.

Malfoy: And you forgot the letter to your Uncle!

Crabbe: Well, n--n--n-no. Not, not, not completely. Partially, umm...Well yes, yes. Entirely.

Goyle: I think I can explain, Sir.

Malfoy: Can you, Goyle?

Goyle: (Pause.) No.

Malfoy: As I suspected. Now, I'm not a religious man, as you know. But henceforth, I shall nightly pray to the God, who killed Cain and squashed Samson; that He comes out of retirement and gets back into practice on the pair of you!

(Floo starts up, Malfoy answers.)

Malfoy: Captain Malfoy. Ah, Captain Weasley. Well, you know, some of us just have friends in high places, I suppose. Yes, I can hear you perfectly. You want what? You want two volunteers for a mission into No Man's Land, Code name: Operation Certain Death? Yes, yes I think I have just the fellows. (To Crabbe and Goyle.) God is very quick these days.

THE END


End file.
